mochabrown

So its only been two days since I started Slimfast(SF). And im actually shocked at how full I am. I don’t know about other people but this is working for me. Im happy, im not frantically pacing around the house, im not angry with myself for overeating because im not starving all the time! Working out has been the major challenge. My house is so small theres hardly any room to workout and I injured my back trying to be creative a few weeks  ago. ugh! no more excuses. I’m gonna have to make a way somehow! I have to! I just might have to get a gym membership. (Although im not a fan of the machines) I have about 4 months to get my body toned and in shape. Me and a bestfriend are auditioning in late august or september for this dance group in Detroit and all I can think about is getting in shape for it. Almost like i’ll be having my own reality made show. I want to be a made into dancer so bad!  I already have referrals for a few girls in town that can help me practice until then. I can’t wait until September comes and I can testify to me making it. I think 4 months is good enough time to get in shape. hopefully my car stays in tact by then since i’ll be having to travel out of town every week. Wish me luck!

Ok so im recovered from that little episode I had earlier. Im feeling good, im feeling motivated and i’m ready to be realistic about my goals and im so happy that i’ve fought off that urge to throw up my food again. I have still been eating healthy (somewhat) and I checked the scale and i’ve lost 2lbs in two weeks!( not bad since I havent really tried to lose weight.) Im ready to encourage my buddies and put up a good fight in this fat race. And I finally figured out my diet and fitness regimen. I have decided to go for the Slim Fast route and until I drop the desired weight i’ll be working on my relationship with food and make some firm decisions about the lifestyle changes I have to make once I hit my ultimate goal. So far for my one “normal” meal a day with slim fast i’m just going to watch my portions which is very important once you come of SF  until I decide if i’ll go vegetarian or not after.But I think moderation and self control is key and as long as I do that I don’t have to restrict any food group out of my lifestyle if I don’t want to.

And for my fitness regimen its taebo, barry’s bootcamp, turbo jam, and the good ol’ treadmill. I’d like to keep things different to keep from getting bored. Strength training is key and let me just tell you now Barry kicks your ass but its sooo worth it! I love it!And for a ultimate fitness goal i’d like to get up to jogging atleast 3 miles a day!

I’ll be starting SF this weekend or next week as soon as I get my mother’s day gift which I KNOW will be SF cuz I already told everyone that I love thats what I want and only that. Forget the jewelry and shoes and clothes i’ve got pounds to shed! Im excited!

I must admit, its been maybe 3 years since I stopped throwing up my food and severely reducing my calorie intake. I was in a very interesting place at that time of my life. I wouldnt say I was bulimic or anorexic because I wasn’t like 100lbs or anything like that, I just got sick and tired of being sick and tired of not being happy with my body and the way I looked at food changed. 3 years have gone by and I feel like I am slipping into that same frame of mind once again. Its been a constant battle this month. I’ve come sooo close to throwing up my food again. But i’ve remained strong and resilient these past few weeks. When I don’t eat much it just makes me feel so pure and so in control. It makes me feel so powerful. And when im so hungry I just know im doing something good for my body by not feeding it. But I won’t give into this again. I won’t and I can’t. I can’t go back. I will do my best not to go back. The way food slides down my throat and the way it feels in my stomach is just so disgusting to me lately. But when im drinking a nice cold cup of water and nothing but a plate of lettuce I feel so good. The pureness of it all. In the beginning its rough, the headaches, the bitchiness, the fatigue…but it gets better. But  I won’t go back. I refuse to go back. Its stupid its so crazy. How can anybody think this way?? I was doing so good and until I watched MTV I can’t stay thin and it triggered those old ways I once had. I watch it everyday and its been consuming my thoughts lately. Its probably better if I stayed away from this website. Im not pro ana by any means. I just need to get my head together. Get back on track. I sure hope so.

Ok I just wanted to say thank you to everyone for all the amazing support and I can’t wait until you guys get to where you want to be in your fitness and health goals and Keep up the good work to those that are already there! So this weekend I have been feeling good walkin around with my sword held high in the air! So i’ve been working on myself esteem and i’ve done a 360 compared to how I used to eat. But i’ve realized now its time for me to really get it together and take my goals to the next level. I’ve been taking note of all the advice everyone has given me and even though im eating better and i’m feeling good about myself I know exercise is inevitable.

And its not that I don’t hate it, it makes me feel good knowing that i’m getting my ass kicked all for the greater good…..getting into a size 5 or 7! And it’s not that it’s hard for me to see results, I actually do pretty quickly when I work out.  Im laid off, im not working, ive gotten rid of all toxic relationships and I have literally cut off everyone that has been taking up all of my time just to use me for their own selfish reasons. I have all the time for myself now, so why am I making excuses still??

I just need to get off my lazy ass, I really do. Plain and simple. I have no more excuses to hold me back.

Other than that ive been eating better, drinking water and I feel great. Have a great week everyone!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Im feeling really good right now….One thing you MUST know about me is that I am a biiig time emotional eater. That is my weakness and I used to give into it alllllllll the time. And it was sooo easy because I kept it within arms reach! Its been a few weeks now and i’ve been making much better choices about what food I keep in my home. Mind you I quit smoking 5 weeks ago(like half a cigarette once or twice a week)! So when ive been stressed lately I have been going ape shit(ive been in the hospital in feb for anxiety attacks it aint been easy). My first instinct to grab food I wait about twenty minutes and then I evaluate why I am stressed and ask myself what feelings am I trying to cope with by stuffing my face only to get more stressed because im gaining weight!??!! So lately when I wanna grab food I listen to music, I clean(it soothes me), play with my son, or I just kick back off into my own little world and I dare to dream about my future and the things that make me happy. And its been working for the most part. I might put a little extra rice on my plate(ok a lot), put a little extra sugar in my coffee(and two pieces of toast on the side lol), or make an extra PB&J but im working on overcoming this emotional eating thing and im working on finding out what works for me.

I just have to remember I can’t be lazy or submissive about not wanting to work hard for the rock hard body I want and KNOW I will get to. I just have to make up in my mind that I won’t allow myself to be unhappy and ignore my friends phone calls or not hang out with my family because im unhappy with my weight. Ive done it for years. ANd I know as long as I start working towards my goals I feel better about myself. And I know that even though I havent been exercising im not gonna be even more unhappy and beat myself up. Im just going to do my best. And as long as im truly doing my best and im getting better and better about making healthy choices than I know that I am and will be that beautiful person I want to be. With the anxiety and panic attacks and chest pains I KNOW I have no choice but to get it together. For my sons sake.

Ladies its not easy but as long as we got this website and we buddy up together and stay accountable to each other we can do it! We may fail but never give up! Hugs to you all and much success!

Yea so far i’ve been taking baby steps cuz when I try to go all out I get overwhelmed and then im frustrated because I drank too much juice or not enough water and that one little thing trips me out and then I reach for the red velvet cake!!

But anywho so far I don’t eat after 8pm and if I do its a very light dish, i’ve been drinking more water, watching my portions, keeping all the drama out of my life and staying far far away from fast food. I’ve been doing this for about 3 weeks now and people have been telling me how it looks like ive dropped a few pounds! and I havent even been exercising yet. Yay for me but looks can be deceiving, I don’t have access to a scale….when I go to take my son to the doctor im going to beg the nurse to let me get on the scale!! Im sure she won’t but its worth a try!

If I could just get to 199lbs it would feel so good to know im not over 200lbs anymore. Its time for me to go back to my Barry’s bootcamp and do some cardio. Its been rough now that my son can crawl now. He already broke my moms favorite lamp yesterday so im worried about how to get my exercise in AND watch AND entertain him so he wont cry. He loves my resistance bands! And his naps are so quick my goodness! lol I’ll work it out. I have to! Can’t let myself or my buddies down!

I noticed my biggest problem is the fact that I over complicated things! Yet I need things to be as simplified as possible otherwise I get frustrated really quickly! Things HAVE to be in the same routine for me everyday otherwise everything get all messed up and stressful. Hmmm maybe im just lazy. Maybe thats the problem. Yep thats the problem. Im lazy and I need to get into the routine of getting off my ass, not letting people side track me from doing what I need to do to make me happy and just focus on me and my son.

I lack focus. Thats what it is. Life is has been soo stressful lately, in between me breaking off from my son’s father who is very manipulative and seems to love making me feel guilty for standing up for myself and making me feel like I dont know what im talking about when I do! Almost like he makes it his goal to put me down really good atleast once a week to keep me in his control so I won’t speak up for myself….if not more! Which fuels my binge eating and me not thinking I deserve to look good. Because when I try to look nice he makes me feel dirty like im a whore and I shouldnt want other men to look at me and talks down to me like im pathetic and i’ll never be good enough for anybody to love me. Although he wants to sleep around and be this bachelor of the year and doesnt want to be with me. Im so over it!!!

So I decide today to love myself and not allow people to walk all over me(seriously I could go on and on about people who do it everyday to me). My problem is I try to control what I have no control over and I make lots of excuses and today and from here on I am only going to worry about what I have control over.  And I CAN control my eating habits, and I CAN tell people no!, and I WILL focus on eating right, exercising whenever I have the opportunity to even that means right after 2am when my son wakes up to eat cuz thats the only opportunity I have.

Living with my mom and my brother isnt easy and well…..its pretty stuffy when im trying to figure out where to have room to exercise in the house. But its ok I wont overcomplicate this or think too much about it. Im going to slowly easy into being a vegeterian and take baby steps toward everything. I WILL meet my goals and I WILL love myself and I WILL resist from drinking even though I never get to when I get a break from the baby when his dad has him!! im just going to relax, breathe deep before I have another panic attack, and eat a salad and work out when I get all calmed down and look for a job so I can afford groceries to eat as healthy as possible(cuz living off of 300 a month from unemployment isnt cutting it)….maybe I should go to the library and read a book. what catagory does this fo under? ugh! ……Motivation? Cuz I need it!